🎢 "The Journey of Divorce Recovery: Are You on the Right Train?" 💔➡️💪

[00:00:00] Welcome everybody out there to The Divorce Devil Podcast with episode 260. Today is the party train. We're talking about the train. So it's a train of divorce recovery. So Kyle was talking about that train. Race car. No, not race car. So we'll get to the finish line. You want to get to the destinations. We're going to talk about how, why, why, and how many, or how long or how deep.

[00:00:35] What if you go through a tunnel during that train, right? How deep do you go through that tunnel? You get naked. Oh, you go all the way. All the way. That's my whole face. I want to get back on that train. Yeah. But sometimes... Can you get off the train and then back on? Like when things happen? Yeah, because what happens is you have like a moment. Well, you feel the little. Yeah. Hey, I should take step a toe into the platform. And then you're like, fuck, doors are closing. There's my leg.

[00:01:04] Or maybe someone, someone very close to you tells you can't do something. So you take the step back. Well, then you have to take a step back. You take the step back. And you can get off that train. My gosh. Don't tell me I can't because now I'm going to and then show you how awesome I'm going to be at it. I might even crash a wedding or something. Oh my God. Anyway. The things. Rachel just got married. Don't forget that. Congratulations, Rachel. That's awesome. Very cool. Yeah. She did it. And it's awesome.

[00:01:32] Great being, oh, my husband instead of my fiance, my boyfriend. I'm a boyfriend. It was 51, 50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45. Oh yeah. Way to go. It was about goddamn time. I'm pretty sure that was the theme of the wedding too. People were like, oh no, the theme was, I have hair. And it's about goddamn time, Lance. But it's awesome. Was he still on that train too? Yeah.

[00:02:02] We both on the train. Yeah, we both on the train. So, so do two people that are divorced get together? Do their trains have to be on the same? Are they parallel journeys? Especially if he was divorced longer. Like his, his, when we met, he had been divorced about six months. That's not long. But going through it for a while, right? Yeah. Yeah. I was going through it. He got divorced and then I was going through my main stuff. We were definitely at six months to a year difference of healing.

[00:02:32] He's just a different person now. We got the professional, we got the undergrad, we got the high school. They train. Yeah. Yeah. Because. He's gap year. I think he's gap year. I don't think he's high school. Gap year. Okay. Yeah. He's gap year. Because it's a time factor more so than anything I think. And time is a real big factor in order to heal. Yeah. It's like you said, you decide when you buy that ticket and get on the train and the destination, like how long you're saying Lance took six months for him, for his train ride to get to its destination. Took you a year.

[00:03:02] Still a train ride. No, she's still riding the train, man. That's okay. Oh, you're running that train now, man. She's like a boo. She's shoveling the coal in there. One. Two. Two. Diamonds. I know all the things. I know the specs of the train, how fast it can go. If two trains are traveling past each other, can you jump off an extra survive? Yes. I don't feel like I'm on a train. I'm feeling more a thing with cranks. You got to get all that stuff. The two sides. No air conditioning.

[00:03:32] You saw cart thingy. You all know what I'm talking about. Where there's a platform and there's two people. Well, Kyle's on there by himself trying to do both. Trying to do both. Yeah, it's fine. I think Rachel's in the caboose and- No, I'm driving this shit. I'm on the engine. No, no. No, I'm driving it. And Kyle is in the food car. Having a drink. You're in the bar. Yeah. You're in the bar car. And I'm up front by the animals. The animal car. What the fuck? Now with a pretty girl holding on, you know what I mean? It's true. Hold on the train.

[00:04:03] That's what we expressed from Maine to Florida. You're going to Boca Raton if you're- But what happens if you're on the train and you hit that first tunnel and you're like, whoa. That was fun. That was different. That whole thing. Yeah. The last train I was on didn't do that. Yeah. You're like, hey. That's a different tunnel. That tunnel's kind of smelly, kind of tight. What's that? But seriously, folks, if you're on the train, you're on a train, you got to figure out how long you can ride.

[00:04:33] No one can be your conductor. No one punches your ticket except for you. Yeah. Okay. So how about we put it, you're the driver of the train and deciding what, how long this journey is going to take or how much time you need. But you're also allowed to reassess, is this the right train for me? Am I doing the things? You have talked about getting into relationships too quick and then holding on too long. Yeah. Am I experiencing the journey or am I just hanging out at the bar on the train? Yeah. Cause it's, I already paid for the ticket. Why not be here?

[00:05:03] But if you're not actually healing through this divorce recovery journey on your train, you know, when do you assess and say, Hey, you know what? I might need to step off of this for a little bit because it's too much, right? Cause a lot of times when you're going through divorce, that last tunnel was smelly. I'm ready to get off. And I know a lot of people who get stuck in the recovery too. No, I'm not going to put myself out there, but I'm all, stop smelling your fingers boys. It's really weird.

[00:05:33] It's really weird. Okay. Love you. Me too. Probably right. We know, we know the good stuff. Okay. Anyway, how do you know when you're, so what are some of the signs or signals that you're actually on the right train that you're actually healing? Okay. So what kind of practice? So what is progress? Setting a boundary and sticking with the boundary. Cause those are really hard. We talk about them all the time and I can say, I will no longer let someone disrespect me or I will no longer let this affect me.

[00:06:03] And if I keep allowing that repeating the same action and not seeing anything, we know is insanity. Right? So if you feel like you're going through this, this train now has a loop. Fuck. I'm on the wrong train. It's a roller coaster. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Same journey. It's not changing. You're like, okay. And I think a lot of times in the beginning, you just want to feel some type of happiness and the whole phase might bring that. But then you're also, you're not taking care of your health. You're not taking care. You're not going to work. You're not doing things.

[00:06:33] You're all the other aspects of your life might be failing. Yes. You're getting your whole phase on, but how am I actually healing from this? Am I learning that I want or need a partner or that I maybe should just be single for a little bit, right? Work on myself. So I think a lot of times when we decide to step up to the take of it, it's like, hey, I need to recover. I need to heal myself. I need to love myself. I need to make myself a priority, a little self-care.

[00:07:01] There may be that you're on the train, just the journey to see other people. Like that, like I said, with the group therapy and stuff like that, I didn't want to go talk to someone by myself because I knew the things to say, especially as a nurse. And it works with helping people and knowing the verbage and knowing what to say. But when it comes to yourself, you're very like, oh, I'm just going to say the words if you're not actually doing the work. So how do you know if you're on the wrong train? It keeps breaking down. It's not working.

[00:07:29] You can tell, okay, I'm still repeating the same habits. Just with this train analogy. I'm getting on this train, but it keeps breaking down and then I have to get off. The same type of fools are also on that train with you and you can see their behavior. Or you know that mine was, I was drinking too much. And it was, oh, I'm not going to drink the days before I have my son. I can have a little drink because I don't have them until four o'clock the next day. Or I could do this or I could do that. Well, it's not my weekend, but I do get them on Sundays. What if I drink? What if I go do a Sunday fun day?

[00:07:59] I was drinking and I wasn't the mom. I promised myself I would be, especially with the mom that I had. So my big one was, oh yeah, like this isn't working for me. And a lot of it was stepping outside of people who were also divorcing, also living their best lives and trying to keep up. Right? So we find like-minded people when we're going through something like other divorced people I was hanging out with.

[00:08:29] It's okay to do this. They didn't have their kid that weekend that I had my kid or vice versa. And I was like, I wanted to. Oh, I like this person on my train. But again, on one train you're like, nah, I didn't really care much for my. I think that it was like you, someone that you absolutely don't want to be related with. You don't want to be in that cart. You don't want to be in that. You don't want to be in the bar cart all the time. So you just disconnect that car. You just pull out the pin and disconnect that car and you keep it moving. That's a lot of power to have. Like, I don't want this caboose. This is drugging me.

[00:08:59] It goes to with the people in your corner, like your village. A lot of my village disappeared. And so the party car on the train was great until I was like, I don't have another person. I don't have a spouse to bring to the couples thing. I don't have someone to go to dinner with me. I don't want to be the fifth wheel. I don't want to do that. I want to bring someone, but I want to bring someone new just to not really like them, but enough to like, hey, I don't want to be by myself.

[00:09:26] So a lot of mine was learning to be by myself, but it was, I'm pretty cool to hang out by myself. See, and that's true too. You're getting on a train during your divorce recovery by yourself for your first time. Yeah. And it's scary. Yeah. I remember the first time I traveled by myself and honestly, I was fine getting to the airport. This was an airport. It's more of a plane analogy because it's more literal. I drove to the airport, went through TSA, found my gang on the plane.

[00:09:55] And when I saw family, a cousin was at a beach. We had a great time. Yeah. Flew back. How awesome that can be to not having to travel with someone who has an itinerary has this. Oh yeah. I'm in control. And I'm on the aisle. They have to sit in first class, but you don't have money for first class. So there's, it can also be freeing, right? Like it was very freeing. I wasn't the problem traveling. So what happened? I love traveling.

[00:10:20] No, it was literally as soon as I walked, got back here, walked to my car and sat down and it was just silence. Silence. Silence. Yeah. The silence that I'm experiencing for the first time by myself and looking over in that passenger seat where I used to share it with someone and it was just empty. It was uncomfortable. And that helped me learn how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

[00:10:49] And I think there's going to be a lot of trains you get on that are going to feel uncomfortable because it's different. Training into New York city for the first time. Like my experiences, Jerry used to work in New York after the world trade center and somebody that, and so we used to go in and see him. And like a lot of times I had my kids with me. So I was heightened like fear, but I wasn't afraid to do it. I just also heightened aware. I think when you came back, you were heightened aware that you now are by yourself. Absolutely.

[00:11:18] So my thing too, like, I remember, I think I've talked about this on the podcast before about going to a restaurant by yourself. Like when you go to a restaurant and you're meeting friends and you're the first to arrive, but you go to the table and you're like, you don't want anybody to know that you're actually waiting for people or not by yourself or you didn't get stood up or all the things. So just that like pit in your stomach. I went to the restaurant was one of our favorite restaurants. I'm Italian food girl. Love all the things found a great place.

[00:11:48] And I walk in. They're like, Oh, is your husband coming with you? I was like, so obviously we know we've been there together. Right. I was like, no, it's just me. They're like, Oh, is any friends coming? I'm like, no, it's just me. And they're like, Oh, so do you want a drink? Or I'm like, I want it all. I want all the things. I was like, actually, I'd like to start with a cannoli. They're like one of each appetizer too. I was like, I'll have my regular drink.

[00:12:16] And it was really one of those things when I left, it was sad, but it was also freeing. Like I, I'm going to be okay. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. But that experience to me was scary because I'm, I was more aware of other people's perception of me where now I'm like, I don't know. So during that experience, are you on the train or off the train during that point? I'm on a train and I'm working my way to like upper class cars, right? The different cars. Yeah.

[00:12:46] You're in the car experience. Did you cry? I did cry. Yeah. Oh yeah, totally. Yeah. It's just, it's a release and that's good. I feel like people need to know that crying is good. It's actually not a weakness. No, it's actually getting rid of the shit that you don't need. Getting rid of the shit. I associate crying with a derailment. Oh yeah. That train is off the track. What do you mean? That's like when it's like the most steady. That's, that's boomer thinking. That's boomer thinking. That's boomer thinking.

[00:13:15] It's vulnerability and you're on that train because you need to be vulnerable. Yeah. But when you're vulnerable, it hurts. So you're like off the tracks, man. And then the tonka little thing comes back. It hurts too. But we're hoping the train doesn't crash. I feel like a derailment is when you feel like you're starting to get healed and then the ex comes in and does something else or you're faced with, oh fuck, my credit score is 500. I need to buy a car cause my car is dead. Oh, you need to put this much money down.

[00:13:45] I don't have that. I need a car to get to work. That's my derailment. It's not about the divorce itself. It's about the consequences of because of the divorce. Cause you're dealing with a divorce and also everything else that's going to be coming at you. Cause the world doesn't stop just because you're sad and it's just happening. I'm getting divorced. I don't think everything else comes at you. Cause when the gates don't come down, there's your ex boundaries. Yeah. Another one said, Hey, there's your ex girlfriend.

[00:14:15] They literally look like they're doing the robot. It's fine. Hey, there's some stinky sex. No, that was a stinky tunnel. Stinky tunnel. Another people having stinky sex. Yeah. I'm also thinking like those old cartoons, like those villains with those curly mustaches, like the princess. So the dance on the stress on the. Who's trying to the tracks? Who's trying to the tracks? You got to stop that. The kids are tied to the track. Are you trying to save the kids? No, I think the ex is in the tracks. What did you do to your kids then? Did you do that? Sorry guys. Sorry guys. Gotta go.

[00:14:45] Hold on to the side. There's a stinky tunnel. I'm in that direction, kids. The car that the hobos live on, they have the little sack in the back. They have the handkerchief, kind of the thing. They have all their belongings in the back. They don't actually have a ticket. They're making fires. They have a cargo train. Cargo car. I think the ex is probably the bandit on the horse trying to catch up to the train to try and get their shit back. And is there a right answer to get off the train?

[00:15:11] Like for example, do you get off the train because you made it to your stop, you feel good, you get off, or do you get off to the stop because there's someone there waiting for you? Either or. Either or. Yeah. There's not really a right answer. And you get to make that decision. I feel like I'm, because my brain is crazy. When I would have gotten off at a stop is when I was so overwhelmed with everything that was going on while I was recovering.

[00:15:37] When Kyle has to fucking call me out cause I'm fawning, but it's actually frozen in my freeze stage, not my fight or flight. So I got off the station cause I didn't want to hear bullshit about myself because I feel like I'm amazing all the time. No, we know I do go to therapy. It's fine. That's when you put on the emergency cord and the train is tough. No, that's like in the- When I was on the train on public transportation, Kyle got on and goes, hey, fuck her and the speed movie. You're fine. You're fine. And I was just like, what? What just happened? Okay.

[00:16:07] See, I am funny. It's okay. God. She doesn't know what else to say cause I'm glaring and he's going, don't fucking therapize me. We are here to help you, but we have different versions of help. Seriously. Like I feel like when all of that, Oh, you have to do this. You have to be a caring mother. You have to do this. You have to get paid your bills. You have to go to work. You need money for gas, fucking COVID all the things.

[00:16:33] I was like, I need to step away from the divorce stuff and actually get my separate from divorce life together in order to deal with the divorce again. So I stepped on the platform a lot going, all right, I'm ready to recover again. No, I really don't want to. It sounds like a timeout. I don't really want to not go out and party and drink and all the things, but I know I need to, but the whole face is fun, but it's not really getting me to where you want to be. Right? Yeah, it does. And I, I don't know.

[00:17:03] Cause remember the breakfast, lunch and dinner dates that they weren't really potential. But they just had money to buy me food. Yeah. Yeah. Your meals are great. The bad experience is help you heal. Sure. All right. Cause yeah, it lets you know what isn't going to work. What you don't like. Okay. So is there a dating car? Is there a dating train? Yeah. There's all kinds of cars. Are these all in one, is this one big long train that you just keep pulling your It's one long train with every separate. Boom, boom.

[00:17:31] So your train gets shorter. I bet you there's a memory cart too, where you just see all the pictures and memories of you and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of you with your ex and everything. I understand. I didn't. That was called a Kodak car. Kodak. I like that. I like that one. Do you want to sell your pictures in to get processed, David? Is that still a thing anymore? I don't think it's a thing anymore. Are you shaking them? I do have a guy that's different. Oh, that's cause you're a film, right? Yeah.

[00:18:01] What kind of film? Yeah. What kind of film? Film. I don't know. Okay. It's not been a pleasure. Back to podcasting. Back to the worst devil podcasting. He always has to realize. No, we're back to the train and the train has cars. Yeah. And there's a boundary car. There's a dating car. There's all these cars. A parking space. Parking space car. Hey, maybe there's a bunch of trains in your head. God damn it. Now I'm going to be thinking about trains in my head.

[00:18:30] Yeah. I'm so glad I took my medicine today. And sometimes the trains are long. Sometimes the trains are short, but I do like your analogy, Rachel, about stepping on the platform. Just taking a break. Yeah. Cause I feel like we've talked about this too, where like in the beginning, the divorce is like your title. Like I'm a nurse. So it's Rachel Glickle. All right. That's how I sign things. That's how my work. It's almost like Rachel Glickle divorced, Rachel divorced.

[00:19:00] Oh, wait. I'm also, I'm a mom. I'm a nurse. I'm a this. I'm a that. That label the terrain, the divorce train to recovery has to become less significant. Maybe a smaller engine. Maybe we're using water now. I don't know how that all works, but maybe you're not buying as much fuel into it. You're not filling up with coal. You only have to have a little bit because the journey is less or I think more efficient,

[00:19:28] more efficient, or you have someone shoveling for you and you have to do any of the work. It's fine. I don't know. But I think too, like we were saying, if the train is really long, when you start, you're able to pull some of those pins out. Let some of those cars go because in the beginning, that anger is so fuck off. You fucking fuck. Now it's, oh, fuck. And then it's, I'm not really sure what they're going through. Or when I think your verbiage gets less heavy and I feel like your intentions become more selfish.

[00:19:56] And I need to take care of me in order to take care of others. And if all the things coming at you, aren't your problem, or you're bringing things into that, if your luggage is too big that you're bringing in pack lighter, take some of the shit. You don't need out. You don't need 14 pairs of jeans. You're only going for three days. Right. So I feel like this, the train analogy works because wherever you end up, wherever you get to, I just got married.

[00:20:26] David's married. Kyle is in a relationship. There's lots of different times that you're going to stop at a destination and be like, okay, cool. Like that was, that was a great, that was a great run. That's a great run. And I'd end up bringing that much baggage with me this time. And then something like you don't get invited to a party and you're butt hurt and it's not really about you. You still want to like crash the party because why not your fun? And that might bring you back to a new train. Yes.

[00:20:54] Or you might be on the wrong train and need to find a new destination because the journey is not where you actually need to be. And you can see that now because you've healed. Yeah. That was very relatable. That was deep. That was deep. We all want to be invited to the party. Yeah. Who doesn't want to get invited? And then we always have, you know, the good and bad, divorce devil, divorce angel, whatever you want to call it, giving us some knowledge.

[00:21:20] But sometimes you don't get invited to the party, but you end up listening to the podcast anyway. We are a party. I know you should listen to us because we're just funny. And like, you know, we want to reach out to people out there that listen to us and don't really need to listen to us. Cause we feel honored. Yeah. And I think too, a lot of times people don't realize that they're the problem until they listen to us and be like, you know what? I was really fucking shitty in that text that I sent. Hey, my work anger.

[00:21:48] Cause someone that I work with was being shitty all day turned into a fight with my ex because when I texted, I was still in the same energy as the work thing as the ex. And now that crossed over. And I also wasn't invited to the party. So now I'm fucking pissed off at everybody. Dr. Rachel. Who? So. Dr. Rachel. Dr. Rachel. I don't know. Nerf practitioner. That'd be better. But no, I feel when we do the analogy some things, I ADHG.

[00:22:13] 100 i try to find the lightheartedness in most things because i don't like to be called fawning when i actually feel like i was kind of you recall fawning once in your lifetime so you forget i hold a grudge that i give you or i cut you off totally and you have no access to me other than listen to the podcast and then when you're like i don't know why she won't talk to

[00:22:40] me i'm like you're the problem father father father father father not kyle but i love kyle and i agree with kyle today so we're gonna let kyle back in our good graces i was actually frozen letting people be shitty to me and trying to make everybody happy when it actually in turn wasn't my responsibility to make everybody happy because it wasn't my shit but yeah you're right so now i'm back to

[00:23:07] come at me fucker and i'm gonna fight you and not with my hands because look at how nice of me today we're not gonna come at you we're not gonna fight we're going to use the knowledge that we have to be better and let people know that it's okay to tell people they're being shitty and it's not your responsibility on how they react of you being oh you know what i really didn't like how you talked about me i really didn't like how you started rumors about me or you kept the rumors going i really

[00:23:36] didn't like how you said this to someone and it got back to me so it's okay to do that right because that's your healing journey how they react to it is not really your problem and so when you're on this journey if you're not getting invited to the party the only way that you will feel better is if you communicate it and when you communicate if they don't like it that's on them wow wow that was my

[00:24:04] therapist thank you rachel i'd like to thank the therapist he loves me at home thank you rachel and yes thanks for coming uh my parting words are do better listen to what rachel says because she's really she's really intelligent with the stuff that you know and think about what you're going to do with that knowledge but speak good to each other all that good stuff but one question enjoy your

[00:24:29] where are you at on the train oh man i'm on the i'm at the end of my journey my train is retired wait did you actually no no no my train is retired retired they're taking the parts to park and it's being repurposed giving them to young people so they can ride their train but some of

[00:24:51] those parts they don't make no more no actually the train museum is like how did you have been to cuba i feel anyway i feel like i would love to see david's train at a museum and be like you know that was the best train that was back in the day that one was sturdy it doesn't matter in your train i could be like oh this makes sense oh i'm seeing the full picture yeah the train it just starts

[00:25:16] glowing and then it goes in your voice you know the voice let me tell you let me tell you something yeah or hey thank you for your preacher voice thank you for i love your preacher voice god i can't even grab it yes we're gonna go down to the yes can you see the train glowing i'm setting up the scene here folks all right folks all right kyle where are you at last words where are you on the train

[00:25:42] i'm on it but uh the journey i'm kind of seeing the same trees i'm kind of getting the same experience and i've seen it yeah i'm at a place where i'm ready to you don't want to be on a looping train i don't want to be on a looping train i'm re i'm ready to step off i guess i just don't know when to do it i'm still scared because because i don't know once i take that step off

[00:26:08] everything after it's all unknown train slowing at the station or is an expression it's slowing so i need to get off it oh man my stops coming i need to i and either i can stay on and nothing changes or i can get off and and i think he's getting on you looking for a new train like a and i feel like i'm getting off no i'm getting off soon taking a vacation from my train i'm on the platform things are great i'll you know you're on the beach girl that's what i think yeah you're on the

[00:26:35] beach you got nice nails an actual white girl tan it's fine i'm in a space now where the things that have always been at me are really silent and so this the next train i would get on would be like my son's now a sophomore high school stuff like anything that would come up with him he's starting to drive the anxiety for that i probably need a little bit of training being like okay i still want him to be my little baby but i think my train is different my train right now if i were to get on a new train

[00:27:05] is saying where's the holiday where's the vacation because even though things are silent now yeah they might not oh well we've we let's just say this side this train's horn is silent because you won't see me coming okay because yeah i've got new strengths i've got the things that had been at me again weren't my things to deal with and now that they've been dealt with the next time they come

[00:27:33] at me what's going to happen it will be my it will be my turn and my turn will be i've said this i've done this i've done the work okay now you've stepped over the bounds again yeah love when we analyze each other and just fucking just throw me the out but just check it out

[00:27:58] but i'm on the part and train i'm newly married we're trying to sell our house just all the things there's lots of moving parts and these things are happening and you can't be on that train there and all that yeah they're like the only train i'm getting onto is that there's a pony ride at the end at the carnival because that's where i'm at i'm at the funness i'm at the it shouldn't be this difficult to exist and if things are getting your way that you can't exist peacefully or cordially or amical be

[00:28:27] amical globally i can't say that fucking word then just get rid of the things that are causing that issue peace out you don't get access to me anymore all right everybody thanks for listening to the party training ticket the next episode it'll be next week yeah check it check it man here's your stop i think next week we're going to talk about being okay by yourself yeah learning how to be by yourself and enjoying it you can enjoy being by yourself

[00:29:01] that doesn't go in your mouth no that's where you're old days or something like that's the things that don't belong you must be activated don't forget about all the podcasts have you listened to majority of them yeah so back in the day when we were first starting we were somewhere and they was the comedy thing right yeah and they said that the dentist can tell what you've been doing

[00:29:25] oh yeah the next day i called that and i'm like wait can you he's like oh yeah yeah i'm like fucker if you're hearing about there's something wrong anyway we love you guys love you guys okay say bye rachel love you bye bye i'm funny i'm fucking funny you