🔑 Divorce Recovery & Moving: Why It's Like Selling Your House! || DD263 || David and Rachel

[00:00:00] What number are we at? I don't even know. Welcome to The Divorce Devil Podcast. It's been about five weeks. We've been busy. You've been busy. I've had surgery, trying to sell a house, just trying to live. Life is good. Today, we're going to do a little bit of a motif about a simile or metaphor. How is divorce recovery like trying to sell a house? So Rachel is in the process of trying to sell her house and she has so many congruent and equal parts of that. So let's start at the beginning.

[00:00:30] I love when you use math terms. My brain goes shut down now. So the beginning is you start and sometimes you don't know you're going to sell your house. All of a sudden, Puma's on the market. So like you don't know you're going to be divorced. But there's a lot of behind the scenes prep that goes into that too. Where do you, when do you want to put it on? What do you have to do in order to put it on? Like the staging, all the things. Again, we did not have a topic before today and literally these are the best ones.

[00:00:55] So I think when you're getting divorced, one of the partners has either really been thinking that they want to take that step or they were together going, you know what? This just isn't working. So what's the plan? Generally, you start with some type of plan. A lot of times you come home and you're like, what the fuck? I'm sorry. Who's that? You throw the note on the kitchen. You know how you have to leave. Someone else is in your house. One of my friends got a note on the kitchen table.

[00:01:21] I told you about my one friend. She came home and the mistress was in the house and they locked her out. I don't see a problem with that. You got to go. You got to go. Anyway. Anyway. And so, yeah. So I think if you know the move is coming or you know this divorce is coming, you have probably thought about, let's just call it the escape plan, right?

[00:01:47] What's your moving plan? So you find a realtor, you find this, you have them come look at the house, they appraise the house, they do all that stuff. So in divorce, what's this divorce worth? What's the process of getting out of this marriage? What's, what are all the things, the details that you may not have been looking at for 25 years on? Oh, there's a crack in the back patio or the, the pavers in the front are uneven. Just little things that you're going to have to have this house inspected.

[00:02:17] You will have your marriage inspected. So who did what, who per, you know, who provided, who, who was, especially when you're like a stay at home mom, what's your value in a divorce? Give or see those things. If you had to pay a parent that stayed home, it's like the taxi driver, the educator, the, the meal prep person all day, they would make a million dollars a year.

[00:02:39] And so I, how do you define what the value of this marriage was? So again, someone comes in, you think your house is worth $800 million. And they're like, eh, how about $4? Like what to say right now? And so. Yeah. The valuation is never the same. No two people value one item the same.

[00:03:01] And I've always been told everything has no value until someone else wants it. My house is worth nothing until someone else wants to buy it. If it doesn't sell, it has no value to anybody except it's our home. Right. So unless someone wants to buy it really does only the numbers, the value. Right. So, and again, if you don't get that, you have to decide, okay, am I going to stay here?

[00:03:23] And I think with marriages and divorce, there's a lot of times you're like, I can't afford to go get a new house or he can't afford to get a new house. I can't afford to buy him out or her out. I'm going to have to get another car and I'm going to have to do this. And who can afford rent? And all, all the things that go into that process are very similar to selling a house. And then, you know, what's your deadline? Do you have to get out right away because you have a new job?

[00:03:50] Or do you have to get out right away because you have to move to a different state because you can't afford to live in Colorado? So, and then do you have somewhere to stay if it sells quickly? Do you have options out of a new place? And is your work going to be understanding that you have to take off days to do a closing, do other things? I have a showing. So they want to come at three o'clock, but they don't get off work until 2.30.

[00:04:14] Or will there be understanding that you have a final orders and you start your divorce recovery? So there's so, so many similarities. It's just a lot of, and again, I've lived there for in our, in the house for six, six years. And he's had the house forever and has gone through his marriage and then his divorce and all the things in that house.

[00:04:36] And I came in and it, of course, welcoming, welcomed. And we've made it, we've made it a home, but it's still, you know, a lot of times he's like, I want something that's ours. And I was like, yeah, okay. And again, I'm pretty easy to like, whatever, it's fine. That's why we had to buy a new bed. Seriously. Same thing. Yeah, that was like, that was like week two. I'm sorry. I don't want, I don't want her stench or his stench on this damn bed.

[00:05:05] We were always talking about this with my friend the other day. And I was like, so if you, we're looking at new builds and we are looking at some that, you know, one of the houses we're looking at is they lived in it for six months and then they're leaving. So I don't know if they're military or they're getting divorced or whatever. And I said, and she's like, you don't have to go in there and do anything. I'm like, except for toilet seats. I'm bringing my furniture in, but I'm changing. That's just something I've always done. Do you take her on toilet seat every time you go to work? No. Have you met me? I don't go potty at work.

[00:05:33] Cause we remember my tragic fireman story of when I was five and I have trauma. I will pee my pants. I will do the deed in my pants. Your bladder is the size of Manhattan. I can, I can hold it for 20 hours. It's probably not good. I'll probably have a prolapse. Prolapse. Everything's going to fall out. Everything's going to fall out. Well, the other thing is maybe it won't because I don't use it as much as everybody else. It is stretched out. Of course, because I do hold it a lot. Everything's going to fall out one day.

[00:06:03] Oh, that's what that looks like. There it is. Just tuck that back in. Why do you wear a chassis belt at 80? It's so my bladder don't fall out. Hey, bladder and everything else. Prolapse is a thing. All the things, yeah. Yeah. You've been doing kegels every day. What's that flopping noise? It's my vagina. It's fine. Don't worry. Just scoop that up. Just put that over your shoulder. Give it to me. That's the boobs.

[00:06:33] Those will just be like, hey, just toss them over the shoulder. You're fine. Foreplay is not your vagina popping out of your body, okay? I don't think that's foreplay. Maybe that's why they make toys so you can shove it back in. Yeah, but they got owed it, so you got to get like a little bit of straps. Well, it's easy if you can see the spot. Welcome back, everybody. Did you miss us? G-spot. C-G-spot run.

[00:07:02] If you can see it, then there's no guesswork. No guesswork. There's no plane navigating. But it doesn't exist. It's because you're a dude. Yeah. It's like a treasure map. They're just saying it's there. It's there, but there's no treasure. Yeah. I can't feel it. I don't get it. Yeah. There's no spongy area. God damn it. I totally missed you, David.

[00:07:27] I missed you and my thing in my retirement, recovering from my hamstring surgery, just going, what the hell? Oh, my God. But yeah. Toilet seats. And this started with toilet seats. Oh, yeah. Damn. No, it's just, that's one thing. When I moved in my house up in Larkspur, I was like, can you tell the toilet seats? I don't know who's in here. So in your divorce, you're Kirby. What else do you change? Toilet seats, beds. What else? I'm taking either my mattress with me, right? So it depends.

[00:07:56] Like if I don't get the mattress, I'll buy one. But what happens if he don't want to sleep on the mattress? Then I get a new mattress in general, right? That's just expensive. Okay. I don't know for everybody else, but when you first get divorced, you're probably not sleeping with someone else, right? You might be. Most of the time, yes. But until the new person is entered the bed, I don't think it's a problem. Okay. And then you're like, okay, you could spend the night. And then if someone is sleeping in the bed, that is part-time. They're not, they're not long-time. Yeah.

[00:08:24] Once it's a relationship, then I'm like, okay, time to get a new mattress. But yeah, I don't know. That's funny. No. Okay. So what do you think it's, what do you think the hardest part of moving as opposed to divorce? Sometimes those are intertwined. Sleep in the basement for... Oh man, that was sweet. I was in the basement. I was in the home theater. I got some, I got some Egyptian sheets. I got, I slept on the, the, what do you call that thing?

[00:08:51] The, not the daybed, but the, the comforter, whatever it was. But I had a bachelor pad downstairs and I slept down there for eight months. It was great. Yeah. And one, one of my friends did that and his wife, before they got divorced, kept coming down, trying to throw something at him. He's like, nah, no, thank you. Yeah. No, thank you. Return, descender. Yeah. Address is known. Hey guys, don't. Guy, girl, do not go back to the well. Yeah.

[00:09:18] It's easy to go, but it's hard to let that shit go because it's familiar. And just think that you had a mattress, you threw the mattress away and you went back to the trash and grabbed the mattress. It's the same thing. That's a good one. Same thing. Don't go get the dirty mattress. It's, you send all the stuff to the junk and you're like, eh. And then you go back to the junkyard. I want that back. Yeah. There's a reason that you are where you are. You're at. But I think in moving, especially if it's a divorce and you're like, get the fuck out

[00:09:48] or I'm leaving all this stuff. You probably had a plan before, right? Like I say, I left, but I also had options of a place to go. And I think that's what made me be like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to deal with it for a little bit longer. But then when I was like, I can't, that's when I'll, oh, I have a place to go. And it could be for a night or two, whatever, but I did have somewhere that I felt safe. And I learned too that, remember that movie, Kramer versus Kramer? So in that part, the man has to move out. They said, the man don't got to move out. No.

[00:10:18] That's not a rule. So in my case, my soon-to-be ex told me, okay, you got to move out. That's the rule. No, it's not. Show me the rule. If you're, especially if both, oh, sorry about that yawn. Unless there's, unless there's a evidence of a foul play or kicking your ass, which is, which, which sometimes should happen, but it doesn't. We don't condone. We don't. We don't condone beating that ass. Don't beat that ass. Even no matter how bad you want to beat that ass, don't beat that ass. It doesn't turn out right. Yeah.

[00:10:47] Only time you beat an ass is if it's asked for it. Please say, can I have another? Frank me. Please say, can I have another? Frank me. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. You don't have to just be cordial, man. And sometimes cordiality is the best weapon because they want to take you out of your, your comfort zone. And you don't get out. So many times, especially, okay. So I'm going to say in my life, there's, I, I'm just going to say it. I am a nice person.

[00:11:16] I will go out of my way to help. Yeah, you're okay. I will give you a thousand chances. I will do what I can. I try to stay neutral in most situations. And again, unless it affects me directly or my kids or my family, all the things. Generally, I try to take a neutral stance because I don't know the other person that someone's coming at me about. Right. So I think what happens is early on, you're like, fuck you. I don't want to fucking talk to you. Don't look at me. Blah, blah, blah. On both ends.

[00:11:45] I have heard more than one time, like, especially when people like, no, you have a divorce podcast. They're like, what episode should I listen about? Cause I'm going through this. What should I, here's my dilemma, but everything's so vague. If I asked chat, QBT, they're like, what do you recommend? I was like, I try to talk to them a little bit about it. And I was like, but listen to this episode, like forgiveness or whatever this, or giving no fucks. Or at some point you just have to just be the asshole. Cause you can only push a nice person so far. And when they become the asshole, you're probably the problem.

[00:12:13] And so that has gone through, that has followed me my entire life, especially like in high school and college. I was definitely the doormat because I was like, Oh, Rachel will do it. Rachel will do it. It's fine. Oh, Rachel, she's so nice. She won't get mad. And I wouldn't until I did. And then as soon as I did, I'm now the asshole, but you created the asshole. You created the relationship that we have because I am a nice person. Right.

[00:12:37] And again, I going back to what I have heard so many times when the other person isn't the nice person, they'll get the nice person to their meanest part and then record them. Remember you did that to use against them. And I'm like, and Colorado is that state, like Colorado is one of the states where you don't have to tell someone you're recording them. And so, Oh, and then they'll use that as ammunition or something. I was like, why are you doing that? You literally are the problem.

[00:13:06] You just have to assume that everybody's always recording. Oh yeah. And here's the thing. There's a reason that y'all are getting divorced. Whatever it is, move on. You're going to have those days where you remember the good times of your marriage, but you're also going to leave an impression on the other people why you're getting divorced. Mine a lot. I always say it was my mother-in-law. It was always like I was competing for attention in my marriage from my mother-in-law so that

[00:13:35] my ex-husband wasn't mad, upset that his mom was mad. Or like if she was mad, the entire world couldn't exist because she was mad and we had to placate her. So it was like that narcissistic. I'm in charge. I do this. You don't follow my rules. And the second you talk back, you are the problem. Not the million times that you were an asshole, but the one time that the nice person said, you know what? I'm done. What's your shit? That's it. Now you don't get to have the same relationship as before.

[00:14:05] You don't have the connection to me. And you know how hard it is for me to turn people off and be like, but once you're off, once you're done, you don't exist to me anymore. You give, you have no power. You have no access to me. And I think, you know, going back to moving and stuff, a lot of times people move early in their divorce is because they've either caused a problem or they don't want to be

[00:14:33] where they found their husband having an affair with the neighbor or something. And so that has bad memories. And mine was, we had moved so far away from everybody, but the problem came here more often than it was willing. Then I was willing to be like, this is my home. This is my space. Like, why am I being respected? And I realized that I wasn't going to get the respect. So I moved. What about kids, co-parenting, moving? How does, what's the dynamics? That's tough. Especially because.

[00:15:01] Because you're moving to a new school, things like that sometimes. And I know when we were going through ours, like I wasn't, neither one of us was allowed to move an hour away from each other. So it's like traveling, whatever. It's like to get to the child, you had to be within one hour. And there was a time where I was living up with Lance and they were way down in Larkspur and it was about 57 minutes. But after a while, we were very cordial and we're like, this is about him and we'll do it.

[00:15:30] And we would meet like in Monument or something and make sure that was either way. And now it's like, you want to be at your dad's? Fine. You want to be at mine? Fine. We live three minutes. Now, when we move, we may be closer to where they work and go to school or that we may be closer to where I go to work or go to school. So there's still going to be some travel time to dad, but it's not really a big deal now. And he's driving. He's got his permit and stuff. So a lot of it is we're driving, he's driving us to wherever we need to go or whatever.

[00:15:56] So I think moving and divorce are very stressful. There, a lot of times there's the hidden, oh, what is, how old's your roof? How old's your daughter here? You're like, I don't know. What does that mean? What do you mean how old my roof? I don't know my roof. Yeah. And all the upgrades you do just to make your house value more. And then people are like, I don't want that. I don't, you put new carpet in because bedroom, carpet, whatever. And they're like, oh, we want all hardwood. I don't like that.

[00:16:21] So all the stuff that you think that you're doing to upgrade, not make better, but upgrade or get new, you really are defining your marriage. So I don't know. It's definitely stressful. It's a lot different. But even in, so what part of moving is divorce recovery? So after you move. I think staging. I think staging is a part because you have to make it look good, especially if you're going out to date. Yeah.

[00:16:47] But more so like post moving, unpacking, putting shit away. Oh, yeah. Oh, melting thing. Trying to figure out what to throw away. Oh, and I think to get ready for the house in the market. We staged stuff and things that I think should be out and he thinks should be out because they're sentimental to him. Not because they show well was, I would say maybe not that. And it took the realtor to go, they probably. And he goes, oh, okay. I was like, wait, what?

[00:17:17] I said take that down. But again, I'm not going to tell him to take down something his mom gave him because it's sentimental. But the people buying it don't give a shit. Our entire house was light grays and whites and all the things. And now it's all white. Everything is all white. Everything. Trim, top ceiling. There's no personality. Nothing. Because they wanted bare bones for them to fix it the way they want to. Yeah. And moving furniture, more furniture, less furniture. This room needs this. This needs more lighting.

[00:17:45] And you're like, I think that goes into early on when people are like, oh, the grass is greener on the other side. It might be, but it takes a long time for that fucking seeds to grow. Because you got to make sure the soil is right. You got to make sure your yard has water in Colorado. That's a big deal. Oh, you still. You can't have water. Sorry. My lawn is dead. Yeah. We gave up. We gave up in May. It was fine.

[00:18:13] When we had no snow this year, I think, especially when you're going through divorce, remember like, you got to go to a class that was basically a video from 1962. Oh, God. And how to make sure your kid is co-parent correctly. And you're like, I think that's Leave it to Beaver, the actor. I'm pretty sure that's who that is. It's so basically simple. Yeah. But people still use the kids as pawns. Yeah. Or, and then like the list, I remember like the nine page thing, like, where are they going

[00:18:41] to be at Christmas for 2029? Yeah. Like, he's graduating high school that year. So, I don't know, maybe college. He may come home. He may not. Where is he going to be for flag day? Damn. What the hell? I don't know where I'm going to be tomorrow. So, what is your go-to moves? What's your things you should tell people that are going through divorce and, oh, divorce recovery now? What's some of the high points they can look forward to? There's got to be some. No, there's a car outside.

[00:19:11] There are no high points. Sorry, folks. Thanks for listening. The bass was so loud. It was like pumping in my chest. I don't know if you heard that. Yeah, that's my ADHD. Yay me. Okay, cool. I think the high points is knowing that no matter what phase you're in right now, it will get better. It's not all going to be good. It's not going to all be good. And you're going to have shit days and you're going to have really fucking awesome days. And then you're going to be guilty. You're going to feel guilty about having a great day. Or your kid goes to the parents and they get disciplined and then they're going to come

[00:19:39] to your house and do you discipline the same way because they're still punished? All the things that go into this stuff. I think the high points are this too shall pass. Yep. Yes, cliche and stuff. And there will be a holiday where there's no yelling or having to placate or suffice an in-law or traveling to 19 different places in one day. And then when you're tired, people are upset. You don't have anyone to answer to, right?

[00:20:08] Because in a marriage, you should both be willing to sacrifice a little or, hey, you know what? This is so much of a sacrifice. Let's just stay home. Yep. And we can see them the next day or the day before. When you have kiddos, even with yourself, make new memories. Yeah. And I think that's really our motto and we're trying to do that more, especially because a lot of the older kids are out and doing their own thing and we got the youngest. And we're probably going to make some new traditions, especially this year where it's about us and

[00:20:37] not about other people that pull into our relationship. And everybody's always welcome. And I'm really good at communicating with my ex. And like I said, we had my ex and his girlfriend over for Easter because it was easier for my boys. And we don't ever put any pressure on anybody to come on the day of. Just make sure, hey, make time for us. Or if we need to come to you, that's fine. I think early on, I'd actually tee to that.

[00:21:05] Early on, navigating that I think is really important. And especially once you're in a new relationship, if you're really good at it and you don't know that your new partner is, maybe help them navigate a little bit better or maybe give them some tools or be like, hey, this works for us. It might not work for you. But if you put out the feelers or try to communicate it, see where you go.

[00:21:27] I think a lot of times we assume that because the people that we are divorcing or their new relationship are all adults, we should act like it. That's not always the case. Especially because I work in a school, there's very tight knit people. And we see a lot of, we're military too. And a lot of parents that are divorcing while they're in the military, it's all or nothing. If the parents are getting divorced, the mom isn't in the military. She has a certain amount of time to get out and she has to find a new house and all the

[00:21:55] things that affect children. And then I also have some friends who don't have any children and are getting divorced. And it's really like their family was my family. Like all my family is somewhere else. So now it's like, I live here, but can't afford to go back to my family. So I'm going to be all by myself for a holiday or I have to navigate this place on my own until I can either afford to go back home or, or I love my job, but I miss my family. So you're like teeter totter.

[00:22:23] So again, a lot of parts, a lot of things that you can't control that you kind of just have to go with, but there are things you can control. Like what you'll take boundaries being heard because it's your divorce also. Right. So speak up. If you feel like it's unfair or it's some, sometimes you just be like, fine, whatever. I'll buy a new cat. It's fine. Make it work. And I see the reward. Again, divorce is shitty. It fucking sucks.

[00:22:52] I hope that you don't have to listen to our podcast because you're divorcing. But once you're, once you get over that hump and you've been divorced a little bit and you're doing your own thing and now you have your own traditions and you could do whatever the fuck you want. And you don't have to answer to anybody. You can go on that holiday for the, you can go on a trip for the holidays because you don't have to feel, you know, pressured into having the big party every year for everybody else that does nothing else, nothing.

[00:23:19] And then you're like, oh shit, I did everything and nobody fucking cares. So again, I'm regressing to back in the day. All right, everybody. Okay. If you are moving, divorcing, make sure you have the right supplies, tape boxes, all the things. Make sure you have all the supplies. You know your finances. You have a safe space to go or your spouse is going somewhere. Get a village. Get a village.

[00:23:44] What your, what your responsibilities are and what your, no, I don't want to say entitled, what each of you is going to get in the divorce. Make sure you're documenting spending and all the things and check your bank account, friends. Check what you got. Make sure you know what your debt is. Make sure you know the bills that are being paid because you go to court, they're like, okay, now you're in charge of these three bills. I don't know how he pays them. I don't know where, who, what is it? You know your shit. How do I do that? What is that? I never seen that bill before. Why is that this?

[00:24:13] And make sure you know how far it is to walk to work in case your car breaks down. Know all the things that some of us may or may not have to find out because. Know the alternative methods of transportation. I hope that you don't just have to flee. If that's the case, then just get yourself to safety. But if you got time and you know you're both doing it or you find out that, you know, it's been happening behind your back, have an escape plan. I tell my kids all the time. My mom used to put 20 bucks in my left compartment.

[00:24:43] And she says, the only thing I need you to do is tell me if you spend it. That was a lot of money back then. Yeah, it really was. So again, it was probably like, I don't know. 100 bucks. Yeah. And so she would put that in my thing just in case of gas or, you know, stranded, make a phone call, all the things. And so I had to, I wasn't smart enough to be like, hey, I spent it. It's been in there for a long time. So just know, start saving. Just know and try to make this affect your children as little as possible.

[00:25:12] Because moving right now is a big deal. My son's room is immaculate. Not that he's not a clean kid, but he's like, am I allowed to sleep on the bed? I'm like, yeah, you can sleep on the bed. You just got to make the bed when you're done. The TV gets unplugged when we're showing it because you don't want to see cords. Like all these little things. He's like, can I just say, dad, don't be mad. I'm like, no, I won't be mad. It's fine. But I'll see you tomorrow. It's like, okay. So there is a lot of things that are changing. And then we're keeping him in the process of looking for a new house because he's going to live there. It's not just us finding a house and saying, hey, this is where you're moving.

[00:25:41] I believe in giving him a part of it. So he's ownership and he wants to take care of it and all the stuff. We've been looking at houses all over and touring houses and doing stuff and cleaning the house. Again, I will let you all know. But yeah, we do have one offer in and we're waiting to hear and we'll see. We have a show on today. All right, everybody. That's moving. Divorce recovery. Divorce. Co-parenting all wrapped in the wine. Buy the new mattress. What was the name of that? And get new toilet seats. Toilet seats.

[00:26:11] What was the name of that? What's the name of that place where you do the monthly thing that it costs? You can buy a TV for $18.99, but then it's five. Oh, Aaron's Yeah. Aaron Rents. Yeah. Million dollars once you pay for it. Oh yeah. Once you pay for it, it's six times the amount of the cost of TV. Even if you have to go to Aaron's Rents. Aaron's. Aaron's. Yeah. Discount. I don't think Aaron Rents has toilet seats though. No, they're cheap enough. I'm literally just don't want to sit on the same seat someone else's ass was on that I put. Do you get wood? Do you get composite? What do you do?

[00:26:40] Wouldn't wood like be like a cutting board? What keeps like bacteria? There's no bacteria on a toilet seat. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening. Famous last word. Thanks for the question. You're going to get a seagulls now so you don't get a prolapse later in life. Don't hold your bladder, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, because wood toilet seats cause a prolapse. There you go, right? You don't want to splash me in the water in the toilet. At least the wood toilet seat won't sink. There you go. You all right? You all right?

[00:27:09] I'm doing out my own spit. Damn. All right, everybody. Have a nice day. Talk to you. Love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye.