🎉 The Ultimate Healing: Getting Remarried After Divorce! 💍 || DD258 || David and Rachel

[00:00:08] Welcome to the Divorce Devil Podcast, a show tailor-made for those stepping out of the divorce recovery space. Follow your hosts, David and Rachel, as they dive into the all-too-familiar shitstorm of the more-than-interesting end-of-the-road divorce topics, stories, and discussions. While realizing it can be a trying stage, they have been where you are and understand the struggle. And yes, the struggle is real. They know that recovery can be such a clusterfuck.

[00:00:36] Check out the podcast if you feel like you're juggling chainsaws, then strap in and hold on for some honesty, authenticity, and hard-in-your-face irrefutable truths. This innovative podcast is not for the faint-hearted. So if you can't handle the certain truths, just keep it moving. If you can, welcome to the show. Welcome out there, everybody, to Divorce Devil episode 258. We have a special episode today. Somebody's getting married Saturday. We're being wild.

[00:01:07] Who's getting married Saturday? Me? Yeah. Randomness? Candice. Who? Candice. Candice? Candice. Candice? Candice. Stout? Candice. Yes, Candice. Candice. So Big Rachel. Big Rach. Big Rach. Is getting married on Saturday. So today's episode is in honor of her and me doing that crazy thing to have you. And I just literally found out about the title and I pulled it to the parking space. What's the title?

[00:01:33] To my parking space here because I am full of the parking spaces here. The title is? The Ultimate Healing. Ultimate Healing. The Ultimate Healing in Divorce Recovery is getting remarried. There's no other steps you can go any further than that. The end. The end. It's been a great podcast. I'll let you know. Thanks. Thanks. We want to call it the Married Be Clevered Podcast. Yeah. Now what? Now what podcast? So, Afi, so what were some of the things that you didn't want to bring from the last marriage

[00:02:02] to this marriage? Go down the list. What are some of the things you want to bring? I'll actually just talk to my parents about this. Okay. So, a lot of things into my new life, my new existence. I forever have been a people pleaser and I forever have pushed down all my feelings and all the things and hey, ADHD people, get some help, get the meds. They really work, but they will make you realize that where the fuck was the help before and

[00:02:32] now I know that I need to set boundaries. Actually, a little bit loud. Yes, good. I like that. Okay. So, I think what I definitely didn't want to bring into the, of course, into the new marriage, but especially my new relationship, this relationship was that I didn't have a voice. I didn't manage to. When we done? Mic, see what happens. Hold on. People were having some technical. But keep the same headphones.

[00:03:01] Hey, speak of that mic. Oh, it's bigger. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Feel that mic. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Divorce Devil Podcast. Hey. Listen to that voice. Okay. It sounds like you know what you're talking about. Right? And okay, so back to the show. I have been able to focus on not being the people pleaser and putting myself second. I can still help people figure out their things. Because I'm a nurse and I've been doing this for a long time.

[00:03:30] I've been helping people do grief for as a nurse and with podcasts and all things. And I think we forget to take care of us. And we say, oh, yeah, I went to get a massage. Okay. Then what? What else did you do? Do you get a massage every week? Do you get a massage every month? Do you make time for yourself? Do you go to a movie by yourself? Do you go to a movie, ask your people to go with you? And if they say no, you still go. What are you actually doing for yourself?

[00:03:58] In my, I would like to say, I'm still going to be a people pleaser at some point. I want to make it a bit happy. So you'll be a people pleaser. But I also have my own voice. I also am like, if I'm in order to people please, is it disconnecting me? Is it making me suffer? Is it hindering my existence? But are you people pleasing for two? What do you mean? You're married now. Oh, no. I'm in of myself.

[00:04:25] If someone needs help, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, all the things, I'm very apt to like, how can I help? What can I do? Here's the things. I have all these sources. Are we going through a divorce? I have a podcast. Hey, you have this. Hey, my friend wrote a book. Hey, this. So I'm very much wanting to help people almost to the point where it's draining the life out of me. So what happens when we get married? So now I have a partner who will be like, hey, you know what?

[00:04:51] I know you said yes, but you can cancel plans and you shouldn't have to have an explanation. Hey, I know you planned 47,000 things today because your day's off and you're getting married on Saturday. But it also is about what's going to make you less stressed. What can I do to help? All the things. Where before I'm like, all right, I don't have a husband. I don't have this. I have to do it all myself. You think for two. Yeah. And so if it's going to affect my soon-to-be husband and me, then it's really let's evaluate this together,

[00:05:21] figure it out. I'm in the last four months since I started really taking care of myself with perimetopause and ADHD and figuring out actually what my brain is saying and how all the things women go through. I have made it a point to be like, you know what? We have said it before. Thanks for asking. That's not going to work for me. All the things. But actually sticking to it. So one of the things that I brought to my marriage was the sexual positions.

[00:05:51] What use of or discovery of? I didn't know how to respond and I normally do. I was like, aren't sure. You brought in. Didn't you just say those two words, sexual positions? We know about the conversation and the pot story and all the things. We knew you've been reading it for a while. Just now you're able to use it. I'm not really kidding, but no, but you're thinking for two and but you have to dial down that selfish beating a little bit.

[00:06:20] My brain thought you said it. I had my reaction, my facial expression. You started talking like the only reason you have to bring in new fucking positions is because you can't do them anymore because I threw my hip out. Oh, my knee is cramped on my length cramped. Oh, yes, I could put my foot over my head, but we're not going to get that out. And that might require the ER. Of course. So what I'm hearing you saying. You brought less flexibility, new positions because the old ones don't work no more.

[00:06:44] Well, I'm hearing you say that boundaries with sexual positions and you had to be realistic. Because of the cramps. Yes. We need to eat more potassium. And different cramps between you and me. More? Yeah. Mine are excellent. Yours are into me. You're like, what the hell? Yeah, I brought new positions into my marriage. Oh, yeah. Because your hip went out. Your knee is not working. Ow, that hurts. I can't do this. You're secure as thick. Oh, baby, when you're alive. Wow. That hurts.

[00:07:14] But no, when you get married and, but I'm two and a half years in and I got it down to a science that they say a whole bunch of yes, honey. Yeah. And yeah, don't forget me. She should have recorded this, but I was told I can be the boss. And here may not be in the middle of some really good times, positions. I was like, who's the boss? Stupid boss. Say my name. Say my boss now. And he goes, okay, he can be the boss. So I did it. It's a good one.

[00:07:43] But there is evidence in my head that he said that. So do you know your name? Say my name. Say my name. Do you know your name? Say my name. Isn't it Becky with the good hair? Yeah, Becky. Yeah, it's good hair. Karen. Karen with the C. I'm caring about you. See you next Tuesday. There, there, there, but that day, there are Britney Spears has that. If you seek Amy, it's a song. It's if you seek S E E K Amy, but it's if you fuck me, it's like, it's the thing about it. It's not a divorce recovery podcast.

[00:08:13] It should be Amy. Anyway. So anyway, get into that. Apparently the ADHD medicine is not working. I digress. Let's just say that getting married after getting divorced is like, it sounds like a pinnacle. It's almost not everybody wants that pinnacle, but some people get that pinnacle. Sometimes that pinnacle is thrust on people when they have a, have medical problems. I'm being scared. Can we get married? It's like a green card, but not really. No.

[00:08:42] So I actually, I, the timeline of us meeting was COVID. We met January 20th. Right before COVID. And then I went to Vegas to, to celebrate, but I'll also meet my friends in Vegas for my soon to be divorce party. And we fucking got kicked out of Vegas. They were like, I'm sorry, you got to go home. There's a virus. We're like, okay, cool. We weren't paying attention to that because again, all of us with the ADHD, all the things. So I got back and when we're dating, it's, oh, we have to do what?

[00:09:12] You have to be home for six weeks. You're sick. I'm sick. We didn't get it. Like when we were dating. And so he's just, Hey, you want to move in? And I'm like, sure. I didn't really have a place, but let's go. Let's do it. And so through COVID having to literally be immersed in each other all the time, you learned all the habits really quickly. All I heard you say is that you do everything he says. You move down. Oh, fuck off. To get married. No. What's the thing? Who's the boss?

[00:09:42] Let's call him up. Who's the boss? Let's get married. Let's buy a comment. My point was, there was a point. Okay. In the beginning, we were both like, I'm never getting married. Don't get committed. Don't do this. Blah, blah, blah. Right? And so you're like, nope, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. And then it was like five years in and I'm like, so what are we doing here? Are we just playing house still? I didn't have a ring. I didn't have a thing. Why did you get impatient? Couldn't you just ride it out? Ride in the storm. 20, 30 years? I could have, but I don't want to be called it.

[00:10:11] I got to the point where I was fine with being a girlfriend. What, your girlfriend? Yeah. What's not a girlfriend? You're like the best girlfriend. David. For 10 years. David, listen, I don't know. I don't know where the switch flipped because when we first met, like all the walls were up and it really took to the podcast and be like, oh, it might be me. I might be the problem. Oh, okay. Oh yeah. Well, I wouldn't say that out loud, of course, because we know we're not, none of us are the problem. So I first started dating Valerie. She knew I was never going to get married. She knew.

[00:10:40] So she accepted that. And then she flipped the script. You women flipped the script. And then it was like, hey, we don't know. You can have the cake and eat it too or fuck off. No. But I was, I was killing that milk chocolate cake. No, but listen. I was killing it. I got to where I'm not a fiance. I'm not a wife. Oh, my girlfriend. And my kids have boyfriends and girlfriends. And it was a different, I wouldn't know what I, I can't, David, I can't say. I can't, my thinking. Oh, yes.

[00:11:09] Let's just say, I was like, what the fuck? Am I your girlfriend? Are you a fiance or what? You can put a ring on something. Only Perry, I know is Perry Mason. It's literally going to be a ring on someone. Whether it's on you or me, we're going to get one. Again, that's not the story. So let me be devil's advocate. What's the difference between now and Saturday? Or Sunday when you're married? I didn't say husband. I don't know. Nothing really. All the things are going to be the same, but that's my husband now.

[00:11:38] I know a lot of old people who don't get married. They just hang out. Like the Goldie Hawn thing, I think it's pretty cool too, but why not? To, to Valerie's credit, she'd never been married though. So she never spent a lot. That was a different thing. Oh, yeah. So you definitely want to. I could have been the best boyfriend ever like I was, and it still wouldn't have been enough. And you're an okay husband? The okayest husband? I'm not a great husband, but I was a great boyfriend. Yeah. But she went at that next level. And it's really hard to explain, but I'm super excited.

[00:12:07] We planned it in like less than two weeks. And all of a sudden you were like, I'm getting married. Like what? Yeah. Cause one of the daughters graduated college and then she's going to post-grad and she doesn't have much time. She's not sure when she's going to be able to get back. Let's get married for school now. And we're like, Hey, can you come home in two weeks? And she, yes. I'm like, okay, cool. We're going to take it. Okay, cool. Then we'll go buy a dress. What's your hair? Okay, cool. And guess what? She's here. So it's really awesome. And I found a dress happenstance, went to the store to figure out what I liked before

[00:12:34] I had an appointment for the thing the next day and walked into this little boutique. And my fricking dress that I've been looking at since we got engaged was literally on the mannequin. They had one for me. They could fix, like they can add all the extra stuff in four days. And I have my dress and it's already done and everything's right. Mannequin. Yep. Yep. Yep. So it's a good. Andrew McCrassie. And we're getting my favorite place in the whole world, Garden of the Gods. I'm going to be there, man. I can't wait. Yeah. He's going to be the ring bird. Yeah.

[00:13:05] I'm going to be the pasta. We all got out of here. Oh, gosh. So you and I, so we're going to jump the broom, break the glass, kiss the buzz. We're doing it all. Kissing camels. Yeah, kissing camels. Well, no, there'll be no kissing camels. Not kissing camels. That's the right word we're getting. Yeah, but Lister's big camels or something else. Toad, no. No, kissing camels at Garden of the Gods is an actual structure that looks like two camels. Yeah, but I say squirrel and turtle. I don't see camels. But if you're from here, you know.

[00:13:33] If you don't, then look up Chuck Wagon Pavilion, kissing camels, something you can see. Garden of the Gods. Yeah. But yeah, so I think healing too. I think you'll always be healing. Something's going to trick you. Something's going to do things. And we talk about that a lot too. But how now, like, to go into a new marriage, you have to let go of a lot of things. Oh, yeah. You got to be like, okay, you don't make the pasta right. But you should have figured that out when you were dating. Hey, you don't do that right. Again, as we get older, there's going to be ailments and there's going to be different things.

[00:14:02] And you're literally for better or for worse. Different positions. A different scenario, especially because the positions are different. You might need a chair and assist when you hold your lift. It won't be cowgirl. It would be go girl. Goat. No, goat girl. Not cowgirl. Oh, cowgirl. I heard cow gone take me away. Cowgirl. And then it dumps down to goat. Goat girl.

[00:14:31] And then it even goes further. Hold on. So once you have a little bit more boundaries, it's hamster girl. Oh, Jesus. It's stupid. I know. By the way, so let's talk about people that aren't ready. And that is okay if you're not ready for marriage. We don't want to go into marriage. Most people are not ready. Well, do your own timeline. In November, almost December last year, before we got engaged, I was like, I'm fine.

[00:14:59] And then all of a sudden, all these people, it was like, oh, yeah, it'd be really cool. If I had something that said that, even if we were engaged forever, right, then that all changed. But anyway, we were in a rush. And I think because I was in a marriage for 24, 25 years, it was great until it wasn't. And then it was like, what are the things I need to work through before I do this? And I think we've worked through them a lot.

[00:15:25] Again, I'm and I've given a therapy within the last couple months that I was specifically trying to go as much as you can. And it's only three weeks, every three weeks or two weeks or whatever. And just being able to be in a different mindset of. This person is committing to me, even though we live together and all the things and I'm committing to this no matter what it entails, what this is happening, because as a boyfriend and girlfriend, the way to get out is you just pack up your shit. You divide up the stuff. You move out. Right.

[00:15:53] And so we already know what it takes to get divorced and we don't want to do that again. Right. And so we I think especially with the podcast for me, I have healed through all the parts that I didn't know were broken, even in my marriage that weren't a part of my marriage. My little Rachel, like little Wayne, but I feel all the parts of my mom and my relationship, my dad and my relationship, my sibling relationship, all the things. Friends being back to me, me holding on to them too tightly because I didn't want to be alone and knowing that I'm OK alone.

[00:16:23] I will be OK alone. But the person I'm picking is my person because it makes it easier to be who I am. All right. Closing words. What is the one thing? Now, I have one more question. You're married two years after being divorced. 20. 22. Yeah. What is something that you think that you you did bring in that you're trying to work on of getting rid of? Absolutely nothing. Seriously.

[00:16:53] Yeah. I let it all go. I almost overcorrected. So with my healing, it was always overcorrectedness. So if I was an asshole, I'm going to be a super nice guy to counteract the asshole. And then some kind of works against me. Yeah. There's a middle ground. So I always cross that middle ground too far. Yeah.

[00:17:16] I think, too, what the people pleasing thing in the beginning was, I just held a lot of stuff in thinking that other people had it worse than me because I had a nice house. We did a vacation. We had a nice cars. We did all the things that you're supposed to do in the picture perfect world. But the main pain was a lot of outside sources. Right. And so I just like, well, I don't know how they're feeling or what they're going through or how their work is where no one was really going. How was you? How are you doing? What is happening with you?

[00:17:44] And again, we talk about it where I've lost a lot of people in my life and the grief that I have held on to or the guilt that I held on to because I didn't say I was sorry or I didn't let them come to me because I was holding a garage and all stuff. So I held on to a lot of shit. And what I did is literally push down who I was for so long when I finally started seeing her again. And I started seeing who Rachel was. And I feel like. It's almost like you're ready.

[00:18:14] Yeah. And I and the things that I need to work on. I'm very emotional. I'm good. But when you push that last button, I'm done. You lose access to me. And then I'm a fucking asshole. So would I be like, OK, you know what? It doesn't really matter. So I'm thinking of the person that is not ready right now. And that's quite a few. I know. That he's not ready. But when he is, he's going to be a former opponent. Rick and Kyle. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[00:18:44] He is nowhere near ready. No. But when he is. You live in his best life. Yeah, man. When he is. Look out, bitches. He's so nice. Yeah. And he has a great perspective. Even if he calls me out of my shit. I don't know. I will still hold a grudge. It's fine. I said, I'm going to have some things I bring into it because it would be not who I am. And I think learning how to heal yourself in order to be with someone, even in a relationship now, after your divorce, you may not really be who you are.

[00:19:12] You may be masking some of those things that you don't want to bring up. Or maybe you haven't told the full truth. Or maybe you got into a relationship too soon after you got divorced. And I know people who have gotten married within three, six, a year after they got divorced. I'm like, shit, I want to get divorced again. So there's just a lot of different. You know, the second level of divorce rate is over 70%. Because you saw that, you know, you shouldn't accept a lot of shit. 70%. Yeah. And I think too, happiness is over.

[00:19:41] Especially when they do it too soon. Yeah. Happiness is over. Oh, the divorce rate for people under a year. If you get married less than a year after your divorce. Oh, it's got to go up. Yeah. Yeah. It's like 80, 80, I think it's like 80. That's why I was trying to push it out so long, man. I'm trying to get that. Something to look for. Well, and a lot of times it's the person who either was at fault and didn't realize what it was going to be like being alone. Oh, I'm thinking the grass was greener. Yeah. Or that made it the shift and drop the plug or whatever. And the other partner wasn't aware or wasn't the one that was going to pull the plug.

[00:20:12] Plug. Whatever. It's not like a mucus plug, but different. So I think if you really don't heal from your divorce and no matter how much time you already get together and you don't heal her, you're going to bring it into the new marriage and you're going to have issues. And then you're just going to, it's going to be detrimental to you, especially if you have kids or whatever like that. Make sure you've healed. We all have done the dating too soon after divorce. And I think it's a rite of passage, but just know when to get out and just know that you don't have to get remarried just because you can.

[00:20:41] We wish everybody out there love and peace and happiness and wish Rachel good luck and all that good stuff. So with us both being married next episode, it should be a different outlook. Oh man. What? Interesting. That would still be a divorce. Doubtable, but it would be a little bit different aspect. People know how to do relationships new. New. Newly married. Yeah, we still got to help our other people too. I know. I love you. All right, everybody. Love you.

[00:21:12] We're married, babe. We'll have a picture on the website. Okay. Me, Lance, and Rachel. And Tal. Yeah. Yeah, her. Yes. Yes. The wife. Yes, the wife. Yes. I do have a wife. I do have a wife. All right, everybody. Love you. I love you. Love you. Love you.